First, let me just say that this is going to be real, like REALLY REAL. It is going to be crossing so many boundaries and it is going to be really TMI SO DON’T JUDGE OK? Ok cool, let’s begin.

Let’s start off with a definition of anxiety, because you have probably heard of it before, but unless you have had it, you probably do not know exactly what it is or what it does. 

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. 

Symptoms:

• nervousness, restlessness, or being tense.
• feelings of danger, panic, or dread.
• rapid heart rate.
• rapid breathing, or hyperventilation.
• increased or heavy sweating.
• trembling or muscle twitching.
• weakness and lethargy.

So let’s tackle a little beast I like to call anxiety. Here is the difference between depression and anxiety for me: Anxiety- I feel like I am dying. Depression- I feel like I want to die. Extreme examples, but when you have bad anxiety or depression that is what it can feel like.

As you probably already know, I had depression in the past due to the loss of my son’s biological father and being single and pregnant… but during that time, I never experienced any kind of anxiety. I had always heard the word anxiety used pretty loosely but I had never actually experienced it before. But let me just preface, everyone experiences anxiety in some form whether it’s the butterflies before the big speech they have to give or the rapid heartbeat you might get before going on a first date. However, the anxiety I am talking about today is much more than those nervous jitters.

The Start of My Anxiety

My battle with anxiety started in May of 2019. I had just started a new birth control called NuvaRing because I was sick of taking the pill every day. Things started out really good with it and I did not notice any sort of bad side effects like I had in the past with other forms of birth control. Life, in general, was really good, and I was really looking forward to August because my family and I were all headed to Europe!

Around June I started having some stomach issues (this is where everything is going to get really TMI lol). Basically I would almost sh*t my pants on the daily (fun, yay!). Some days I was completely fine and felt great and others not so much. I also started to get nauseous randomly all the time as well.

Then came the anxiety, and it hit me like a train out of nowhere. I remember being at work and all of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I would start taking bigger breaths and felt like the air was not coming through. My heart would then start racing and I would get extremely hot and panicked.

Since I have never experienced real anxiety in my life, I had no idea what was wrong with me… I legit thought I was dying. Little did I know, I was experiencing mini panic attacks.

As my stomach issues continued, so did my anxiety. Every time I ate, I got a stomach ache right afterward and because of this, I didn’t want to go out anymore. I felt like I was trapped in my own body, or in a new body that wasn’t mine.

I started experimenting and realized that any time I ate anything remotely spicy, it would instantly go right through me. When I say go right through me, I mean that I had a matter of seconds once the stomach ache hit that I would need to find a restroom or else it would be bad news.

Anxiety in Europe

Europe was coming up and I wasn’t even excited anymore. My anxiety went from being anxious about pooping myself to anxious about every single little thing. When we left to Europe I could hardly even keep it together. I had so much anxiety about leaving Hudson. I was so worried that something bad was going to happen to him when I was gone that I got to the point where I just wanted to cry and stay home.

The day came to leave and my anxiety was through the roof, saying goodbye to Hud was so painful and scary. When we got to the airport, I had a new feeling of anxiety, which was now the fear of flying.

When I was little I had a big fear of flying because I had experienced some really bad turbulence on some flights and it scarred me. When I got a little older that fear went away, and because I traveled so much for tennis (like every other weekend) I lost the fear of flying completely. But now that fear was back and worse than ever because of my anxiety.

I legit sat straight up and pretty much looked out the window for the entire 11-hour flight to Amsterdam, sounds exciting right? Anytime the plane got even remotely bumpy, I death gripped the armrests and prayed to God not to let us crash. The entire flight my stomach was in complete knots and I could not eat a thing.

My entire Europe trip was pretty much like this on and off. I was constantly stressed about potentially having to use the bathroom and not having access to a toilet because it’s Europe and toilets are not easy to find (or free). Any time we went on a long train ride I felt panic because I worried about having to go to the bathroom, which sounds silly but I legit could not control the anxiety I had about this.

Not having a restroom nearby gave me mad anxiety, which made me feel physically sick. I would feel weak in the knees like I was about to pass out. On my trip, I started using meditation to help me with this and it honestly made a big difference. I would put my earphones on and listen to a meditation podcast and it would significantly calm my nerves.

Despite my anxiety, Europe was still so so much fun and I truly had a blast with my family. The flight home was another rough one for me. Like before, I did not eat or do anything besides reading and looking out the window for 11 hours. When I got home to Hud a wave of relief hit me. My anxiety for his safety was instantly gone which was nice.

Anxiety Continues in Utah

Once we got back to Utah I still experienced anxiety and the same stomach issues. I honestly do not know why I kept ignoring them, thinking that they would go away on their own. The anxiety kept getting worse and I started experiencing chest pains which gave me even more anxiety because now in my head I thought I was either having a stroke or a heart attack.

I finally drew the last straw after a date night I had with Jacob and Hud. We went to one of our favorite pizza and wing places and I decided that I would try eating spicy food again. Big mistake! As soon as we left the restaurant my stomach started gurgling. Within seconds of my stomach gurgling, I knew I had to find a restroom ASAP. SO TMI but I legit had goosebumps on my arms and felt like my face was on fire because I was seconds away from pooping my pants (lol).

Jacob started making jokes to Hudson saying, “Huddy, mommy is going to poop her pants haha.” I snapped at Jacob and told him to shut up because this, “wasn’t an effing joke.” It’s funny now but I was so mad at him because this was a big trigger for my anxiety. Luckily I made it to the bathroom Woop Woop, but this was the turning point for me… I knew I needed to see a doctor ASAP.

The Diagnosis

Scared and anxious I finally went to the doctor to see what was up. I did a full blood test panel for my stomach which was another traumatic thing for me because I HATE blood and needles. The results came in after a week and my doctor told me that there was a reason I was almost pooping my pants every day and it was called H. Pylori.

Pylori is a stomach bacteria that you get from contaminated food or water. You test positive for H. Pylori if your blood count is at a 9 and my count for H. Pylori was at a 20. So my doctor said I had it pretty bad, which is probably why I had such horrible symptoms. I have no idea how I got it, but my guess is maybe from our honeymoon in Mexico the year prior. The bacteria is super resistant to antibiotics so I had to take 2 different antibiotics for two weeks. Basically, my doctor had me taking 7 pills a day for two weeks… it was intense.

During the course of taking these antibiotics, I did not feel any better. I actually felt worse, because the antibiotics were making me super nauseous. Since I didn’t feel well, I kept feeling the anxiety. The chest pains also continued which made me think something else was not right.

Then I thought of it, my birth control. My anxiety started not long after I started NuvaRing. I went to the ob-gyn and got some more blood work done and since I was having such extreme symptoms, my ob-gyn wanted me to get an EKG done. My ob-gyn also wanted to take me off birth control completely.

How to Manage Anxiety

Within weeks of being off birth control, my anxiety got significantly better. Now it has been almost four months off birth control and my anxiety is day and night. I still have it every once in awhile, but it is much more manageable and nowhere near like it was before.

So to all of you ladies with anxiety out there, check your hormones! It could be a hormone imbalance or sometimes even a lack of Vitamin D. Like I said above, my anxiety is so much better now that it’s hardly there… but I still get it from time to time and I am going to share with you what helps me get through it.

1.Music

I was experiencing anxiety the other day at work, completely out of nowhere and it wasn’t over anything. I just felt it for no reason. So I turned on my happy song! Summer by Calvin Harris always makes me feel so happy. I turned it on, tapped my foot to the beat and lipped the lyrics while I worked. When the song was over, I continued to listen to songs that were also upbeat. Within 5-10 minutes I seriously felt so much better.

2.Meditation

Meditation works well when you are extremely anxious. This helped me a lot when I panicked! I use the app Calm and Headspace for this but you can also find guided meditations on Spotify.

3. Affirmations

This helps so much! Whenever I experience anxiety I first have to recognize it. I tell myself that I am experiencing anxiety and that everything is ok. Then depending on the situation, I will tell myself, “ I am strong, I am calm, and I am safe.” I will say it over and over until I start believing it and it really helps.

4. Exercise 

Exercise is beneficial for your overall health but it’s also super great for clearing your mind! I don’t always find the time to do this, but if I can, I feel so much better!

5. Social interaction

Sometimes when you have anxiety you want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone. I know because I did it for months! Sadly, I never even told my husband I was having anxiety and I tried to battle it all alone. Once I finally told him and started opening up, it helped a lot. Also telling a close friend who experiences it too made me feel understood. Surrounding myself with friends or even just talking with co-workers at work helps me reduce my anxiety significantly!

Overall, anxiety can be a big battlefield. Find what works for you and stick to it! If you’re really struggling I would look into your health, because like me, your anxiety could be caused by some internal health issues.

Thanks for reading and learning all about my pooping and mental health problems lol, and if you are struggling and need someone to talk to please do not be shy to reach out! I always respond to my DM’s so please don’t be afraid to message me. Love you guys!

Much Love,

Mayci J 

@maycineeley