If you are just joining me now for the first time…welcome! Before you continue on, refer to my first blog post The Beginning Pt.1 and start my story from “The Beginning”. As previously mentioned in my last post, as I started getting closer to my due date I became happier. My depression was a lot more bearable and I didn’t struggle with day to day activities like I did before. However probably like any soon to be mom, I would sometimes get anxiety if I could do it. More specifically, if I could handle doing it all on my own. Some days I was one hundred percent ready for him to come, and some days I felt like I needed more time because I wasn’t ready. I was only 20 years old! That is extremely young to be a mom. Growing up I wanted to be at least 25 before I even thought about having a child. Before getting pregnant I had dreams to do a humanitarian trip somewhere like Morocco or Belize. I also wanted to do a summer internship in London, or somewhere where I could be independent and gain some amazing life experiences. I had all of these ideas and things I wanted to do in my life before I got married and before I had kids… and now I knew that all of these things could never happen for me. Sometimes it was a little upsetting knowing that I could never accomplish the list of things that I wanted to do in my life as a young woman… but then I would think about the little life I was growing in my tummy, and I knew that this new life plan was all happening for a reason. “Yesterday me, mom, and dad got back from Arizona. We stayed at the Marriott the first two nights we were there while dad had work, and then we switched to the Fairmont Princess hotel where I had my free weekend “babymoon trip” from Ellen Degeneres.” – An excerpt from my diary Another generous thing Ellen offered in her giveaway was a paid trip to Arizona. So, given my situation, my mama and I packed up for our weekend getaway. We ended up staying in Arizona for about five days instead of just the weekend because my dad had work.

Sadly, I caught the flu on the airplane over to Arizona and I remember I felt so sick that I couldn’t even stand up. Being pregnant made having the flu 10x worse than normal for some reason. Luckily I was able to lay out by the pool without feeling too yucky. By now I was even bigger, every week it seemed like my stomach was growing inches. I remember when I was laying out, a younger boy who was probably about 8 or so walked by my lounge chair and he was staring at my tummy… while doing so he ended up walking straight into the umbrella stand in front of us. He was so embarrassed, and my parents and I couldn’t stop laughing because we all knew he ran into it because he was staring at my huge stomach.

“Today is somewhat a special day, this day, or shall I say early this morning last year marks the day that Arik told me he loved me. I find myself missing him like crazy today. Still can’t believe that he is gone sometimes…

“My pregnancy is coming to a close. Now it seems that it has gone by fast. I still remember the day I bought my first pregnancy test feeling so scared. Still can’t believe that this all happened, it still does not seem real… I never thought it would be ME getting pregnant, but I guess life is full of surprises and God sure does have a crazy life plan for me.” – An excerpt from my diary My pregnancy felt so long because I was so depressed… but like I said before, as it got closer to Hudson’s due date, my depression started easing up and it turned into acceptance (which is the last stage of grief). Acceptance led to happiness, happiness led to excitement and excitement made me feel like this pregnancy flew by.

“Well tonight was the night I was going to be induced, but the plan has changed. Two days ago I had an ultrasound to see how big he is, to see if he will be able to fit out or not. The ultrasound technician estimated his weight to be 9 lb. 15 oz. which they said is too big to come out vaginally… They also said that if I tried to have him vaginally he could get stuck, resulting in the doctor having to break his collarbone to get him out and it would lead him to have health complications. So now a C- section is my only option.” – An excerpt from my diary

Now I was really scared as hell to give birth. When they told me I needed to get a C-section now, my whole stomach felt like it went into knots. The moment I found out I was pregnant I was instantly nervous because I was so scared of the whole process… but I was even more scared knowing that giving birth= blood and needles. Growing up, having a baby was one of my biggest fears because I knew you would have to get poked and pricked a lot. For others, this isn’t a big deal, but it is for me. I mentioned in a previous blog post that pain doesn’t bother me. In general I feel like I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Sadly, I have been cursed with squeamishness and if there was one thing I wish I could change about myself… it would be this. I get high anxiety when I know I have to get my blood work done or even get a finger prick. I get anxiety because I hate the feeling of passing out. Today, I have found ways to get through this. I put my earphones on and blast a happy song and I always make sure I request to lay down for whatever I am getting pricked for. I still will get squeamish or close to passing out, but it helps. If you have issues with squeamishness definitely try it! Now as if my fears couldn’t get any bigger, a C- section was now in my future. I did not want to have surgery. If I get my blood drawn, a shot, or a finger prick I will literally pass out… so the idea of getting my stomach cut open was not even comprehensible. Especially since I had to be awake during the whole process. On top of that, they also said I had an excess amount of fluid in my stomach… which meant my baby had stopped swallowing the fluid. They said it could mean he had a “stomach obstruction” which would require surgery immediately after he was born. Worried was an understatement, but I tried not to think too much about it, because at this point there was nothing I could do about it. I just needed to accept the fact that I was going to have a C- section and find ways to reduce my anxiety leading up to it. “I’m already nervous with anxiety. I pray that I’ll be able to relax and just be calm when it is time. I also really hope Arik will be there… at least his presence. He told me he would be there no matter what, so I’m still holding him to that promise.” – An excerpt from my diary My parents and I pulled out the home movies and found the long-lost birth video of my mom giving birth to me. My parents have a video of every child’s birth but for some reason, we could never find mine. I thought my parents probably just forgot to take video of my birth but lo and behold we found it! It almost put me at ease watching my birth video. My mom had C- sections with all of us. Although, I didn’t actually watch any of the cutting or anything like that because I didn’t want to get freaked out. It was super cool to see the video. It showed my three other siblings before my mom gave birth all excited and anticipating my arrival… and then it showed them all cuddling me once I was born. It made me happy to see how much my family loved on me.

My sister Lauren and her little fam flew in for Hudson’s arrival. It meant SO much to me to have the support of my family during this time. My sister Lauren and I were close before I got pregnant, but we became even closer after. Lauren was so sympathetic to me during my pregnancy and my struggle with depression. I always felt like I could go to her when I was feeling a certain way or if my parents and I weren’t seeing eye to eye. So more than anything I wanted her to be there for my birth. I went to the beach with my entire family. I needed one last day to just unwind before I became a full-time single mom and I needed to get my mind off the fact that I was going to have surgery the following day. I was so nervous and so excited at the same time. I couldn’t believe that it was finally time to have my son. It kinda felt like Christmas Eve. Every time I thought about meeting my son I would instantly get butterflies.

They told me that they made a last minute decision to come down, and to be honest… I thought it was nice to receive that kind of support from them. I texted my parents and told them that Arik’s parents were coming down for the birth and instantly my dad wasn’t happy about it. For some reason, my dad thought that I had invited them secretly without letting him know first and I think that’s why he was upset about it. Not necessarily because they were coming, more because he thought I was lying to him and going behind his back, but I wasn’t. Now my anxiety was kicking in, I didn’t want to deal with all of this drama. I was already super nervous to give birth, and now I was even more nervous about all of the contention I could feel in the air now that Arik’s family was coming into town. Then, out of nowhere, my stomach started contracting. My contractions started coming regularly. Every four to five minutes I would get another contraction. Because of my anxiety and stress, I was now in labor… COMING UP: BIRTHDAY Did you have a birth plan that didn’t go according to plan? Tell me about it! I seriously love hearing from you guys, whether you tell me about your similar experiences or just want to chat! Leave me a comment and let me know how I am doing! If there is something about my pregnancy or any other aspect of my story that you would like to hear more about, let me know below and I’ll write about it in my next post! Much Love, Mayci J