I still remember lying on my bed for 30 minutes in the dark trying to work up the courage to check the results. I had just taken a pregnancy test. The first pregnancy test I had ever taken since being sexually active with my boyfriend Arik.
I was a Division I tennis player with a full ride scholarship at a Brigham Young University (BYU), so in my mind, getting pregnant was one of the worst things that could happen to me. I was at risk of losing everything...
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I was a Division I tennis player with a full ride scholarship at a Brigham Young University (BYU), so in my mind, getting pregnant was one of the worst things that could happen to me. I was at risk of losing everything...
My heart was beating out of my chest. My hands were shaking. Was this how my life was supposed to end? He was standing about 20 feet away from me in the kitchen holding a 10-inch butcher knife. He began walking towards me, knife pointing in my direction and he mutters, “you deserve to feel pain like I do right now.”
I wish I could finish this story, but my mind draws a blank. For the life of me, I can’t remember how I calmed him down or convinced him to let go of the knife. I wish I did...
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I wish I could finish this story, but my mind draws a blank. For the life of me, I can’t remember how I calmed him down or convinced him to let go of the knife. I wish I did...
My heart is beating out of my chest and I am shaking as I write this. What I’m about to tell you is something I never talk about. Something I was embarrassed and ashamed to recognize. I have been in and out of denial about this for almost 5 years.
One drink, and that is all I could remember. This is unfortunately a similar scenario that happens to a lot of young college girls. It might happen at a frat house, bar or nightclub…but not usually at your boyfriend’s house. But after everything he did to me, should I really be surprised that this happened? I mean, silly me for not thinking that my boyfriend might put something in my drink…
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One drink, and that is all I could remember. This is unfortunately a similar scenario that happens to a lot of young college girls. It might happen at a frat house, bar or nightclub…but not usually at your boyfriend’s house. But after everything he did to me, should I really be surprised that this happened? I mean, silly me for not thinking that my boyfriend might put something in my drink…
I was lonely, my self-confidence had hit an all-time low. I looked like a confident person on the outside, but on the inside, I felt like complete trash. How was I supposed to feel normal again? It had only been two weeks since I got out of my abusive relationship and then in comes Arik Mack.
Arik was already following me on all social media, and I didn’t know who he was. Apparently, we had met once before but I don’t even remember, probably because there was so much going on with my crazy ex at the time. The funny thing was, Arik thought that I didn’t like him, and in the beginning…I didn’t.
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Arik was already following me on all social media, and I didn’t know who he was. Apparently, we had met once before but I don’t even remember, probably because there was so much going on with my crazy ex at the time. The funny thing was, Arik thought that I didn’t like him, and in the beginning…I didn’t.
I called him back and no answer. At this point, I felt panicked. So many thoughts were running through my head. He for sure had gotten into trouble with the honor code I thought, which only meant one thing… I was next. Completely sick to my stomach, the only two things going through my mind at the time were A.) my parents are going to kill me and B.) BYU is going to suspend me.
Two hours later Arik finally called me back. He told me his parents were super mad at him because they found out we had slept over at their house while they were out of town. Oddly enough, I was relieved. “It’s fine his parents will get over it so no big deal” at least that’s what I was thinking. But that wasn’t everything…he dropped another, even bigger bomb…
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Two hours later Arik finally called me back. He told me his parents were super mad at him because they found out we had slept over at their house while they were out of town. Oddly enough, I was relieved. “It’s fine his parents will get over it so no big deal” at least that’s what I was thinking. But that wasn’t everything…he dropped another, even bigger bomb…
We had our ups and downs just like any other couple. But back then, I felt like our relationship had an extra stress put on it because of the situation we were in. Unless Arik and I were physically together, it seemed like we weren’t dating at all. I felt like he wasn’t always there for me when I needed him. When we weren’t together our relationship felt rocky and when we were together it was amazing. But I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a man that was going to be there for me 24/7… someone who would be scared to lose me.
Arik and I did NOT have an open relationship, but when I went to parties without him I would flirt with other attractive guys. I knew he was doing the same. I think it was mostly because when we weren’t with each other, we were a little distant...
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Arik and I did NOT have an open relationship, but when I went to parties without him I would flirt with other attractive guys. I knew he was doing the same. I think it was mostly because when we weren’t with each other, we were a little distant...
Tennis season had just started and I knew something was different. I was playing tennis four hours a day every day and competing against other Division I Universities on the weekends… I was busy and in great shape. But when I would walk up five stairs it felt like I just ran a marathon. By now it was mid-January and my period was due but I just had the weirdest feeling that it wasn’t going to come. No matter what I would tell myself, I could not shake this feeling that I might be pregnant…
If you are just joining me now for the first time, refer to my first blog post The Beginning Pt.1 and start my story from “The Beginning”...
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If you are just joining me now for the first time, refer to my first blog post The Beginning Pt.1 and start my story from “The Beginning”...
February 25th, 2015 I decided it was time to tell my family. Specifically, my sister Lauren. She was my only close family member who lived in Utah at the time, and she was my tennis coach… so either way, she needed to know.
I also figured my sister Lauren could give me the best advice on what to do next, and how to proceed with telling my parents. I remember driving over to her house feeling nauseous because I was so nervous. Since I was scared, I decided to bring one of my friends with me who was also on the tennis team...
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I also figured my sister Lauren could give me the best advice on what to do next, and how to proceed with telling my parents. I remember driving over to her house feeling nauseous because I was so nervous. Since I was scared, I decided to bring one of my friends with me who was also on the tennis team...
March 18, 2015: “It’s been three weeks since I have been home and I still don’t even have words to say. I feel like the hardest part of it all is being away from the one who I want to be with most, Arik.” – An entry from my diary.
Being home felt like absolute torture. I felt like I was in prison being watched 24/7. I wasn’t used to feeling like this, I felt trapped. I know my parents were just trying to help, but I felt like I couldn’t even have a minute alone to breathe and collect my thoughts...
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Being home felt like absolute torture. I felt like I was in prison being watched 24/7. I wasn’t used to feeling like this, I felt trapped. I know my parents were just trying to help, but I felt like I couldn’t even have a minute alone to breathe and collect my thoughts...
After I talked to Arik’s dad I called my dad and my sister to tell them what happened. I should have probably just sent them a text since I was crying so hard on the phone that I couldn’t properly piece my sentences together. As soon as I ended those phone calls my mom came into the room. I told her what happened and she consoled me.
While my mom was consoling me a wave of anger washed over me. I realized I was still wearing the diamond necklace Arik gave me for my birthday. I reached for the necklace and ripped it clean off my neck…breaking the chain in two...
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While my mom was consoling me a wave of anger washed over me. I realized I was still wearing the diamond necklace Arik gave me for my birthday. I reached for the necklace and ripped it clean off my neck…breaking the chain in two...
We landed in Utah Friday afternoon on March 27th, 2015. Everything I saw in Utah reminded me of him. Whether it was the exit off the freeway where his apartment was or the Mexican place we would go to at 3 am to get breakfast burritos. My heart ached and the flashbacks were constant.
Later that evening I was headed over to Arik’s parent’s house where they were having a viewing for family and very close friends. My anxiety was at an all-time high as we got off the exit to head to his house.
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Later that evening I was headed over to Arik’s parent’s house where they were having a viewing for family and very close friends. My anxiety was at an all-time high as we got off the exit to head to his house.
I came back to California a couple days after the funeral, and now that all of the events and traumas had ended I spiraled into a deep depression. I think one of the scariest things for me was knowing that I was now going to be a single mom and I had no option to co-parent or have Arik in general.
Fast forward a couple weeks after Arik died and now it was his birthday. It was overall a sad sad day for me. I remember I sent his parents flowers but they were addressed to “Albert” since that was my nickname for him. In the card, I told Arik to watch over our little baby who was growing in my tummy.
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Fast forward a couple weeks after Arik died and now it was his birthday. It was overall a sad sad day for me. I remember I sent his parents flowers but they were addressed to “Albert” since that was my nickname for him. In the card, I told Arik to watch over our little baby who was growing in my tummy.
It’s almost May and I would constantly wonder how I was going to afford a baby. Car seat, stroller, diapers, formula, the list was endless! Having a baby is so expensive the pressure to provide for my son gave me constant anxiety.
My sister, who was also pregnant at the time mentioned to me that she was going to the Ellen Degeneres show for a Mother’s Day giveaway. She had written to them and shared that she had struggled to get pregnant. Hearing about this show made me want to go, but my sister also said she didn’t think that they were accepting any new applicants...
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My sister, who was also pregnant at the time mentioned to me that she was going to the Ellen Degeneres show for a Mother’s Day giveaway. She had written to them and shared that she had struggled to get pregnant. Hearing about this show made me want to go, but my sister also said she didn’t think that they were accepting any new applicants...
I am about 29 weeks pregnant and together my mom and I decided to throw a baby shower to celebrate the upcoming arrival of my son. It wasn’t something we originally planned because I had been hiding my pregnancy. But word got out at my church that I was pregnant so we figured that since people already knew, it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore.
However, I was still hiding my pregnancy on social media and that killed me inside. I was going through this huge life event and yet I felt like I was supposed to be ashamed of it. At this point I wanted to announce my pregnancy because I was so tired of hiding it and hearing all the rumors that were being spread about me...
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However, I was still hiding my pregnancy on social media and that killed me inside. I was going through this huge life event and yet I felt like I was supposed to be ashamed of it. At this point I wanted to announce my pregnancy because I was so tired of hiding it and hearing all the rumors that were being spread about me...
I was only 20 years old! That is extremely young to be a mom. Growing up I wanted to be at least 25 before I even thought about having a child.
Before getting pregnant I had dreams to do a humanitarian trip somewhere like Morocco or Belize. I also wanted to do a summer internship in London, or somewhere where I could be independent and gain some amazing life experiences....
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Before getting pregnant I had dreams to do a humanitarian trip somewhere like Morocco or Belize. I also wanted to do a summer internship in London, or somewhere where I could be independent and gain some amazing life experiences....
My mom had a C-section with me and all of my siblings. Mainly because my mom’s body wasn’t able to go into labor on its own. My oldest sisters, Lauren and McCall had the same experience. But with her first child, Lauren had a C-section and McCall broke the “C-section trend” by having her baby vaginally, but she had to get induced to do so.
I was caught off guard when I went into labor on my own. No one in my family had been able to go into labor on their own up to this point. So I was pleasantly surprised, knowing my body could go into labor on it’s own meant I could have a baby vaginally...
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I was caught off guard when I went into labor on my own. No one in my family had been able to go into labor on their own up to this point. So I was pleasantly surprised, knowing my body could go into labor on it’s own meant I could have a baby vaginally...
I stayed in recovery for about 50 minutes before they wheeled me to my room for the night. Even though it was tough, it was the BEST experience of my life. Looking back it feels magical. I was the happiest girl in the world.
As soon as I met my son, all the fears I had were gone. Fears of caring for my son, being a single mom, the financial responsibilities, all gone. Being a mom was my new purpose, he was all that mattered to me.
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As soon as I met my son, all the fears I had were gone. Fears of caring for my son, being a single mom, the financial responsibilities, all gone. Being a mom was my new purpose, he was all that mattered to me.
The night I got in my sister Lauren suggested I go out and have fun after being cooped up for so long but the thought of it made me nervous. I decided it would be best for me to take it easy for at least a few days.
The following day my sister and I went to BYU. I met with advisors and other BYU administrators to make sure everything was good to go for me to come back in January. Everyone in administration was so nice and welcoming so it made me a little more excited for the upcoming tennis season...
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The following day my sister and I went to BYU. I met with advisors and other BYU administrators to make sure everything was good to go for me to come back in January. Everyone in administration was so nice and welcoming so it made me a little more excited for the upcoming tennis season...
If you are just joining me now for the first time…welcome! Before you continue on, refer to my first blog post The Beginning Pt.1 and start my story from “The Beginning”.
I remember I was so nervous to meet up with Chad after all of these years. The last time he saw me I was barely 17 and now I was 20 with a baby. Things had dramatically changed. Even more so, his last “warning” of not making bad choices when he was gone was running through my head before we met up...
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I remember I was so nervous to meet up with Chad after all of these years. The last time he saw me I was barely 17 and now I was 20 with a baby. Things had dramatically changed. Even more so, his last “warning” of not making bad choices when he was gone was running through my head before we met up...
Taylah came back to my car and she said she was going to an afterparty with one of the other girls we were with. I told her I wasn’t going because it was already midnight and Hudson was at home with my mom who was watching him.
The next morning we had an early morning tennis practice. I saw Taylah and asked her how the party was last night. She responded, “oh my gosh I have so much to tell you… I haven’t even slept, I stayed up all night.” She proceeded to tell me that she met “the hottest guy last night” and that they kissed...
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The next morning we had an early morning tennis practice. I saw Taylah and asked her how the party was last night. She responded, “oh my gosh I have so much to tell you… I haven’t even slept, I stayed up all night.” She proceeded to tell me that she met “the hottest guy last night” and that they kissed...
Jacob left for Japan, and for what it’s worth, I missed him from the moment he left. From the day he left we were texting and Facetiming non-stop. Literally non-stop. I would be in a big lecture and he wanted me to stay on Facetime with him. He would also FaceTime me at night too and wanted to stay on the phone until I fell asleep.
It was if we were already a couple without being officially together. But there was still someone else I was thinking about. Someone that I regretted not giving a full chance…
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It was if we were already a couple without being officially together. But there was still someone else I was thinking about. Someone that I regretted not giving a full chance…
February 3rd, 2017 was my second home tennis match at BYU that season. I started out playing super well. I felt like I was finally playing how I wanted to play. Playing the #1 singles spot is always difficult, you’ll almost never have an easy match. But despite the obvious challenge that spot carries, I was playing well, I was winning my match and I was about to win the next game when my worst nightmare happened
I was running towards the net and hit the ball back in the corner. I wasn’t expecting my opponent to get the ball back but she did. She lobbed the ball over my head and I had to run back to the baseline...
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I was running towards the net and hit the ball back in the corner. I wasn’t expecting my opponent to get the ball back but she did. She lobbed the ball over my head and I had to run back to the baseline...
I called Jacob back and the phone rang a few times before he answered. “Hello” he said in a shaky voice. I could tell he had been crying, so immediately I panicked. “What’s wrong?” I said. I knew something was seriously wrong because Jacob doesn’t cry very often.
He said that he was having a bad day and decided to go to one of the LDS temples in California. He was in his car in the parking lot of the temple and said he had been praying. Praying wanting to know what was right for us and when we should get married...
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He said that he was having a bad day and decided to go to one of the LDS temples in California. He was in his car in the parking lot of the temple and said he had been praying. Praying wanting to know what was right for us and when we should get married...
Summer was over and we all went back to BYU for my 5th year of college in Fall of 2017. Jacob was also attending BYU. My relationship with Jacob was good, but I still didn’t feel like I could trust him. In the back of my mind, I always worried that he would second guess his decision to stay with me. Even though it was obvious that we were back on track and moving forward with our relationship.
September was a good month for us to settle back in and focus on each other moving forward in our relationship. I had a friend reach out to me asking if Jacob and I would do a styled wedding photoshoot to help her and other people build their portfolios...
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September was a good month for us to settle back in and focus on each other moving forward in our relationship. I had a friend reach out to me asking if Jacob and I would do a styled wedding photoshoot to help her and other people build their portfolios...
My final tennis season started and I was so excited to see what I could do considering I hadn’t competed for 11 months due to my ACL surgery. I was definitely a little nervous considering a lot of people re-tear their ACL’s if they come back too soon. On top of it, I know of many athletes who came back to tennis after an ACL and were never the same.
Our first couple of matches in the season were considered “practice matches” so we could play against some good teams until our actual season started. We flew to Texas and we played against SMU, Texas Tech, and one other university...
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Our first couple of matches in the season were considered “practice matches” so we could play against some good teams until our actual season started. We flew to Texas and we played against SMU, Texas Tech, and one other university...
The day before my wedding I was nervous and giddy. I couldn’t believe it was finally here! I had a checklist of everything I needed to do for my wedding and everything was almost done! I got my nails done at the salon and opted for white acrylic gel nails with a little bit of shimmer in the polish. My vision and theme of my wedding was an all-white modern wedding.
We had a rehearsal at the venue in the afternoon (June 7th) and then a little BBQ for friends and family at my house after. I was in such disbelief that I was going to be getting married...
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We had a rehearsal at the venue in the afternoon (June 7th) and then a little BBQ for friends and family at my house after. I was in such disbelief that I was going to be getting married...
I walked down the aisle to, “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Haley Reinhart. It was nice doing a ring ceremony for our family and friends who weren’t in the temple… and it was so nice to have Hud there. My uncle conducted our ceremony and explained to everyone that we had already been married in the temple and made sacred covenants to each other in the Lord’s house.
Then it was time for vows. You guys, I was so freaking nervous that I was shaking. I was holding my little book for vows and the book was like violently shaking. BUT, I will say I am SO GLAD we did vows. I seriously loved it so much! It felt good to express my love for Jacob and it was heartwarming to hear his love back.
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Then it was time for vows. You guys, I was so freaking nervous that I was shaking. I was holding my little book for vows and the book was like violently shaking. BUT, I will say I am SO GLAD we did vows. I seriously loved it so much! It felt good to express my love for Jacob and it was heartwarming to hear his love back.
